Motivating The Self

I’m going in. I’m doing it. After a long custody battle between the generic life and the artist life, I’ve decided to let them both win.

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For the past year or so, the generic life has been winning (go to school, work, get good grades, be presentable and act right).  Dear lord that sounds boring.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE it. I’m a complete nerd and love using my brain. But I’m so much more.

With my choice to give my inner artist more time,  there comes commitment that must start now.

Welcome Abigail.

To start, I’m establishing a whole new social media account for her, of which, I’m not sharing here. Not yet, at least.

She’s weird, freaky, makes funny faces and might even make her booty pop here and there.

I’m beyond excited for this, to show the world the other amazing potential I have that I’ve kept hidden and suppressed for too long.

I’m an entertainer, a performer, and I’m damn good at it.

Out of season? Eh, yeah, but I still got it and a whole lot more.

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Scrambles, part two

It has nothing to do with part one. Scrambles is just once again, a fitting metaphor for my life and how my mind navigates it.

After three months of feeling lost, unmotivated, and sometimes depressed, I’m pulling myself back together. Slowly, of course.

Unfortunately, a couple good days doesn’t mean it’s all better and I’m back to feeling enthusiastic about living again, no. But it’s a reminder of what’s possible.

One of my biggest downfalls in trying to pull my life together is the constant anticipation of things and right now, I have quite a transition coming up.

I’m anticipating packing, moving, and visiting my family in Erie. In addition to these, my goal is to get stable work before the Fall semester begins.

 

In one month from today I return from Erie and honestly, I want it to be over. I am beyond excited for the two weeks when I return to adjust to my new living situation and (hopefully) stable jobs before classes begin.

It’s hard to remain happy and enthusiastic when all you can focus on is an upcoming transition. I want to appreciate every moment, but it’s hard with a mind that anticipates life whether or not anything significant is coming up.

I’m naturally an anxious person, so with what I’m looking at now, all my mind wants to do is think about it, dread it, and re-live imaginary future scenarios and possibilities.

It’s an annoying way to live. Everything always seems to work out for me in the end, life’s got my back.

Yet, I waste my time worrying about it anyways.

 

Movin’ Out and Movin’ On

I can say I’ve gotten it together a bit. I’ve had time to process my choices and the new route I’m going on for the next year and a half. Now I’m figuring out how to move forward.

In addition to the longer-term change I’ve made, I have a shorter lived change coming up soon, too. I’m moving.

It’s kind of exciting. This is my first real move I’ve made on my own. I’m not going far, just to another part of Philadelphia, closer to the university.

I’ll miss my roommates, the kitties, and my neighborhood. West Philly is awesome, it has so much (various grocery stores, beer stores, Halal spots, pizza shops, etc). I need to stop reminding myself, I’ve been peeling off this band-aid slowly and painfully.

On the other hand, I definitely won’t miss my commute. Saving time, money, my sanity and energy?! It can’t be beat.

I’ll be in my home for only thirty more days -wow- that’s weird to write.

It’s been difficult to adjust being back. I’m dropping to quarter time, preparing to move, and searching for work and new ways to creatively stretch myself into the next semester.

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Clownin’ with Happy Is, photo by Jason Mahaffey

Like they say, there’s no rainbow without rain.

This next chapter is one I’m looking forward to.

Off my rocker, again.

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Human sandwich featuring Kat, Kyle and I. Photo by Redlite photos

It’s been awhile since I’ve made any seemingly drastic choices or life decisions.

But how can life be fun if you chose not to take them? One can breath freely knowing they’re doing what is right for them regardless of what everyone else thinks. It took me some time to figure it out, but I have made my “drastic” decision which in reality, is really no big deal.

I thought I was on my way to graduate college in May of 2018. It looks like that will be happening in the Fall of 2018 instead. My decision isn’t final, but the thought of slamming my face in books for the next year and attending to no other aspects of my being is scary.

I”m afraid I’ll graduate and have no idea who I even am.

I’ve decided to drop to three-quarter time for the next three semesters. I want more time to make money and more time to pursue creative endeavors. And be a weirdo.

I’m not sure where it will lead, but I know if I continue to accept the suppression of my creativity, I always will. Fuck that.

 

 

Finding Motivation while Lost

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When you feel figuratively lost, motivation is hard to create. This is how I’ve felt ever since I got home from South Africa.

I can’t tell if it’s because the past month was so ‘go-go-go’ and now I’m crashing (going into day six now) or if the feeling of having no idea what I’m doing in life is why. I feel lost.

I had one week to transition back to normal, but what is that and why do I want it? I only want normal because it makes sense, but perhaps I’m onto a new normal in my mind that isn’t exactly aligning with who I’ve been this past year.

I want to be weirder and stop fitting into this box my University has molded me to be in. It’s not them, it’s me. I molded into that box, that stereotypical box per say. I can be smart and weird, yeah?

Yeah.

Another Trip in the Books

I just spent a month in South Africa I’m finding it a bit hard to believe, everything that has happened. It all happened so fast.

This time traveling was different than in the past. It always is obviously when your goal is to go somewhere new every time. There were two other conditions that really made this one different though: it was a school program and I was with the same ten people for an entire month.

My comment on the first is that I will probably never have a similar experience again. The month of studying abroad and within a set program sets it apart. It went against the grain of my prior traveling experience (I had to act less dumb, if something happened, it was my university who would have an issue on their hands).

It was a unique experience to because it was for journalism despite the fact I’m not in the major. I will always appreciate how I got to see their work executed although I also now question how they are taught. Perhaps I’ve taken too many sociology courses (if that’s possible).

Next up, being with the same people for an entire month. Jesus. As it comes to the last day, I look back and think of the experience and it feels like nothing. Although I did have my moments when I needed my own space and to not feel like I was being spoken for, these feelings have faded to nothing.

I will say I felt it did have an affect on my method of traveling too. I’m so much more used to be surrounded by locals and hanging with them. Sometimes it felt hard to break that mentality of having to spend time with those you came with. Like no, you don’t.

In the last few nights I’ve been here I’m finally breaking out and hanging around more locals than my own. Of course, tomorrow, I am leaving.

Goodbye South Africa. I look forward to getting home and getting into a headspace where I can truly reflect on these experiences more and return back to my own state of independence.

When The Travel Bug Loosens Its Grip

I can’t completely say how it ends, but hopefully it ends happy.

I’ve been in South Africa for the three weeks now and return to the United States in another week from now.

I’ve loved traveling ever since I started visiting the Philippines to visit my Dad in 2014. It was some crazy shit to me, to be in a country where life was flipped upside down. It wasn’t like connecting with someone from a different culture in Philadelphia, it was living in that culture 24/7.

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Since, I’ve visited twice more, drove cross country in the United States, and traveled to Singapore, Japan. Mexico, France, Iceland, the United Kingdom and am currently in South Africa.

There’s nothing more exciting than planning a trip, hopping on the plane, and awaiting what will happen next.

For me though, what happened next gave the travel bug permission to loosen it’s grip on me. What. The. Fuck.

It’s a weird feeling, scary even.

Is it the constant touring, the scheduled lifestyle, being around the same people each and every day, or the fact that I just don’t jive with South African culture (I take it back in regards to art and music).

I can’t say what it is exactly, but then again, traveling always teaches us, and this question in itself is worth learning from.

 

 

Finding Purpose in Writing

I write a lot. I write in a journal, I write papers, I write articles, I write statuses, captions, blog entries and emails.  I write for myself and purposes not for myself. Yet when it comes to writing for myself and others at the same time, I get lost.

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I see myself as someone who will create my career. I see my writing abilities playing a role in that and can’t pin point how I’ll do it for shit. All I know is I have one year of college left and I’d like to figure it out at least a bit before I graduate.

This is why I have this blog.

Mind you I may completely forget about this blog for three months directly after I publish this post. I pray not. I want to like my blog, I want to want this and it always appears temporary.

Oh well, I’m here again to give it another go.

Scrambles.

Why did I call this post scrambles? I don’t know. Hell, I completely forgot I had this blog until I remember it only twenty minutes ago. Damn, this happens every time. Ironically, I write for Temple Update and write an entire story for them about every two weeks, while forgetting about my personal blog for months. After tonight who knows, maybe I’ll disappear again…probably.

But let’s move past that…cause I’m writing, yay! So, what to say? Well, life is awesome. I live in a cool city, I have cool friends, and go to a pretty dope school. So, there’s that.

I’d like to address this election though as it has a ton of people down and it makes me hurt for our country. Although I have loads to say in person, I’m not gonna get loud on the screen. It will get lost in the countless posts, writings, and opinions floating out on the internet, with a small icon of my face representing the person behind the message. Perhaps I’ve posted some little things, but I’m gonna be real, if you want to get a more theoretical and deep response from me about the election, just ask me.

Plus, he doesn’t deserve any more media attention. Psh, saying it’s rigged, we made you…bitch..

I guess I’m done writing tonight. Peace!

Some words about London, Paris, and Travel.

It’s been just over a week since I returned home to Philly. Oddly enough, it feels like I never left although luckily I have the ability to recount the different feelings, people, attitudes, and experiences I had overseas. Hilariously, my theory that America is Europe’s  child who was dropped on its’s head has much more evidence now.

I went completely broke while over there; I ate, drank and did every single thing I wanted. Dancing in the Eiffel Tower, shopping shamelessly at H & M, eating a baguette everyday in Paris,  drinking too much wine, raging in the after hours of Leicester Square, cramming myself onto the RER train in Paris, and strolling around Reykjavik, Iceland for an afternoon to name a few (yes, I was there too). I also learned that everyone making out in Paris become less annoying when you find yourself in the same situation.

Being from the Philly area, all I could think of returning home was “Damn, we’re ratchet as f***”. This typically goes unnoticed as life in Philly is “normal” to me..yet returning from these cities made me realize what I’m missing…anyways, my goal is to return, more specifically to Paris. No offense to London, but Paris just seemed a bit more relaxed, free, and with no f**** to give. Someday we will meet again Paris.

Anyways, that’s just my brief overview. Since I’ve been back to real life I’ve started a new job as a sightseeing tour guide in my city, woop woop!! Peace out and keep a look out for future postings here at What Kayla Writes About. Oh yeah, and check out some of the photos below, f you scroll over them you can see the caption!